Remembering the light..

Today started out different.. As I woke up I felt heavy, as if the whole world was on my shoulders and that deep sadness that was all too familiar.  I kept trying to push it away as I  continued the day. I drove in to Salt Lake to school and took time to notice the magnificence of the sky and the way the sun rays were shining through the clouds.  To give gratitude for my life.. and all the wonder and beauty of it.
Throughout the day I kept feeling this overwhelming feeling of heaviness that just wouldn't go away. I have been having flashbacks of the hospital and the absolute soul wrenching pain of it all.   I remember Boyd laying in the hospital bed fighting for his life as I just laid there singing to him... telling him how loved he was.. and how we needed him to stay so badly. Remembering the day we had some real hope. His physical body was healing.. very gradually but finally moving upwards. Then,  having the nurse ask me to go to the conference room where I was told that he had no brain activity and they had declared him brain dead.  I remember standing up..looking at the Dr. right in his eyes... tears in my eyes.. hugged him and then  walked out into the hall where I finally collapsed.  I spent the next couple days by his bed as he was on life support waiting for an organ donor .. holding his hand.. stroking his face..kissing his nose.. his cheeks, his eyes.. his fingers.. knowing I'd never touch him again. I'd never feel him put his hand on my face telling me he loved me.  I'd never feel his warm, healing hugs again. I didn't want to let him go. The last time I said goodbye to him was at the OR doors as they were taking him to donate his organs.  I knew when I saw him again he wouldn't be breathing... or have a heartbeat. He'd really be gone.  I replayed that moment over and over.
Today,   I also thought about the plane ride home from Cleveland. I was alone. Without my husband.. He was supposed to be sitting next to me. It was then.. during that time alone.  I really realized was the start of my journey of being alone.   On my layover i remember just sitting in the chair.. staring.., blank.  Not believing what I had just experienced. Not believing that I was now a widow.  I was without the love of my life.
The pain is so deep ... the words are not of this world.  Everyone grieves differently... noone else can understand the pain someone is going through.. what they have lost. Noone will be able to bear my burden of my tribute to a love, to a life, to an identity now gone. but... what a blessing it is to feel so deeply. Something happened when me and Boyd's fate entwined.. we connected.. we had finally found eachother.. we had become one. And now.. he went somewhere that I cannot follow.. and a part of me went with him when he died.
The day of the funeral I watched as my deepest love, my most sacred relationship would go under the dirt without me.
I remember at the graveside that day I was so numb... still in so much disbelief ..  yet all I wanted to do was claw at the earth between us.. part of me was there. It was with him.. It is with him.
Today... the only way I can describe how I felt was.... hollow. I felt like a chunk of myself was missing.  I wonder some days how I get up.. get dressed... put my lipstick on.. and continue.. there are days like today that I hide under all that just so noone can see just how hollow I am at times. Noone can see what I a missing.
Yes.. people can see that I get lonely.. that I am sad.. heartbroken.. but it goes deeper than that. I feel as though I was left behind. The part of my life that I cherished.. that was just starting.. ended like reading a story and slamming the book shut at the best part.
After all this pain, sadness, and complete despair, this thing called grief ..has had a way of showing me just how deep my aliveness goes. Just how deep I love. I now hold on to hope.. every moment.. but some days its not the hope I want. Sometimes .. like today. it feels as though the sadness is all I have left.. so I begin to cherish the sadness too.. so I will never forget what happened, because this experience has shaped me in ways I never knew it could.   When I start to think of who I have become.. a light starts to peek through.. I start seeing Boyd smiling at me, reminding me of my purpose, and giving me the strength to continue on. It seems there are gradually more good days then bad days. .. like the days I can go to the grocery store.. walk by the Kiefer.. smile.. shed a few tears.. bring it home and have a glass for Boyd and not let it completely destroy me.
Some days I'll ask myself what we could have done differently that would have changed things.. What if we would have went a different day? What if we would have went in January instead of going on my school break? What the outcome have been different? Why couldn't it have been me and not him?  Then I know.. the truth is.. the factors that influence the course of our lives are much bigger than we know. When I blame myself for what happened I deny this greater experience called life.. and the bigger plan. When I do this.. I am just eating a hole in myself and it will just grow and grow because I can never answer these questions.  Now.. I just get to trust. Trust that this all has a bigger purpose that I can't see.  All I know right now..is that I want to spend the rest of my life in gratitude. In love. and in a way that I can honor Boyd's life.  I want to be brave.  I want to live in my magnificence.
So on days like today where I feel like I am drowning.. where it feels as though i'm not strong enough to go on.. I JUST DO. AND I get to feel it ALL.. all the deep black nitty gritty crap.. I get to feel the grief,  the heart wrenching pain because it is all learning.. and I've done massive amounts of learning the past 4 months.  I also know that I get to feel complete joy and love. I get to continue to live. I get to feel the warm sun on my face reminding me that I am alive. and that I have a purpose. Boyd would want me to live a beautiful., to do all the crazy things I do, to play like crazy with the kids... to meet new people... and love on those around me. I know he's right along side me.. guiding me, encouraging me each step of the way.  I am so grateful for my life.. For the opportunity to experience all that I am.  For my beautiful girls, for my family, and for my old and my  new friends. Love to you all.

 

A time of New Begninnings.

Sitting here tonight thinking about last Easter and how happy I was that Boyd was in our lives. It was a new beginning for both of us. He spent all of Easter with my whole family. It was such a beautiful and fun day. I remember my grandma and my aunts telling me how cute he was and that he was a keeper. I knew he was from the moment I met him. We both knew. Our hearts and souls connected like something I've never experienced.  I miss him so much. Holiday's are always so hard... Sometimes I still ask why.. Why after all the heartache that  we had both experienced in our lives... did we finally find happiness, find each other just for him to pass away... but then I get to remind myself that I was the luckiest girl in the world to even spend a year with him. He was the love of my life. I've never felt so loved.. or loved someone so much.  We fit 10 years into a year and I am so glad we did all the things we did. He was an open, loving, honest, courageous, inspiring, beautiful, powerful, giving, man of God.  He taught me what love really looked like.  He taught me how to live again.. and what Living really looked like.  I am so grateful to him. I will never take another moment for granted. I will love with everything I have. I will be the woman I was created to be.. a beautiful, compassionate, loving courageous woman of light. I will serve my life purpose with grace and passion.  I will live like i never have before.
Since Boyd passed I've been drawn to the sunrises and sunsets.They have been so healing for me. The sunset for me symbolizes healing.. it reminds me that I've made it through another day and how beautiful life really is. Every ending is just the start of a new beginning.
  The sunrise reminds me that with each new day comes new strength, new courage, and a new start.  Tomorrow with Easter coming is another time of New Beginnings.. a reminder of the light of a new day.... a new day to resurrect  life with passion, purpose and happiness to share with the world. I choose to honor Boyd by being a light in the world.

3 months today.. this rollercoaster called life..

I can't believe it's already been three months since Boyd has been gone. There are time when it feels like it was just yesterday I was in Cleveland.. Then other times it feels like years. The anniversaries are always tough.. Today I reflected on our short time together and had a rollercoaster of emotions.. from sad to happy... to being mad as hell.. to being grateful beyond measure. I found myself moping around the house.. thinking about how I was cheated out of a life of love and happiness. Everywhere I went today I saw couples holding hands smiling and laughing.. at times i wanted to cry.. others i wanted to yell and then other times I felt myself smiling at them .. grateful and truly happy that they were getting that experience.  I couldn't get out of my funk almost all day. After my mom came and got the girls I decided to go for a run at the track.  I put my head phones in and started running... running out all the emotions from the day. As I was reflecting on life I looked up and saw a cloud in the shape of a heart.. and then over the the right... thebeautiful sunset. The bright orange color was vibrant and magnificent. I thanked God for the beauty he gave and remembered how beautiful life is. How blessed I am to be alive.. and to be feeling all these feelings. The sad, mad, and hurt..and the joy, happiness, and peace. That life does go on.. and it will.. and it absolutely is.These feelings are all a part of the human experience.. and it is a beautiful one.  Today I was reading in a friends (Jeffery Olsen) book and he talks about a potter who would make these beautiful creations... only to when he was finished smash them on the ground into pieces, He would then meticulously reassemble the pieces back together and then fill the cracks with contrasting colors. People asked him why he did this and he explained that the process made each  pot unique.. it made them interesting and gave them character... How similar our life is. Maybe when we are shattered and then reassembled do we step into our magnificence. And into a beautiful masterpiece of God.. just like those pots. I have had so many trying experiences that have helped me to grow.. This experience has made me grow in ways I never knew I could. I am stronger.. more confident.. and love myself more than I ever have.  I know that Boyd would be proud of what I am creating and who I am becoming. There are times when I feel like I am going to break.. and sometimes when I finally have had enough and find myself on the kitchen floor completely heartbroken and tears flowing...but it is all completely beautiful.. Because you see.. to feel this much pain.. means I felt even that much more love. I would never give up the love I felt in the time me and Boyd were together. I now know what I deserve and that is a gift. If I stop and truly look at life.. I remember how blessed I am to have another day here. Another day to feel..

 I am blessed by amazing daughters.. wonderful parents and grandparents. and beautiful friends. Friends I've know forever and friends that have come into my life since Boyd passed.. they are all truly earth angels. I believe people come into our lives in the perfect moment. I am so grateful that a God and angels love me enough to put these people in my life at this perfect time,  Thank you to all of those who have been there for me and are still there for me. Who carry me during the times I feel I can't go on.  You never know by just being a friend .. and showing you care.. how much you could be blessing someones life. I am truly grateful. I know that gratitude is the key to happiness. As long as I remain grateful and continue with love.. everything will be okay. 

Boyd taught me so much about life. To live it to the fullest.. to love... to stop sweating the small stuff.. and to laugh.  All we have is the moment. Its our choice how we are going to live it.. I choose to have joy in this journey. To feel and embrace every rollercoaster of emotion. Without the sad we wouldn't know the joy. Love to you all. I am truly blessed for each of you in my life. Thank you. 

To Just Feel..

Wow... today has been one of the most difficult days so far. I have been so focused on being strong, that I forgot thats its okay to stop and feel the pain. Tonight I am allowing myself to be vulnerable.. to feel all that I get to feel.  I woke up this morning with a heaviness in my heart that has been here all day. I miss my Boyd.  As his birthday comes tomorrow I have thought about how lucky this world was to have him. His amazing genuine personality. His contagious smile and laugh. His love for life. His willingness to help others always. To lift others up while he was still down. He was a great teacher for me and I will always be grateful for that. Boyd met me at a time where I was healing from a lot of pain I had experienced the previous years. I had gone through some trainings and was on my way up and happy and then something terrible happen in my family again. He was there to pull me up.. carry me through some of the most heartbreaking, lonely, angry, and sad times of my life. He brought Light to my life again. Light that I forgot existed. The day I met him I knew he was special and that we were meant for each other. Our souls spoke.. they remembered each other. It was beautiful. It was the most amazing connection I have ever felt with anyone. His soul is beautiful.

Tonight I got home from hours of studying and finally just took a minute to sit... looked at some pictures of him and our family. Remembering how beautiful our time was together.. and being so incredibly grateful for it. He changed my whole life.. the way I look at things.. He helped me remember who I was.  I asked one of my best friends to write me a poem in remembrance .. it was heart wrenching.. and absolutely beautiful. ... 

Love unkept

In sheltered sighs Hold me down I undo the ties. Free myself from his bind. I abide by me Until its time. My quiet tears, My knees to ground. When he appears Forever love is found. Passions swarm I’m in the blue Full with his near, so full and through. Taken away It can’t be true Nothing else compares to you Lost again What do I do? My knees to ground, 

The ground that holds you…

He is near... I have felt him tonight.. the warmthness and Love.  As I thought of him something told me to turn the radio on.. The first song he ever sent to me, which I've mentioned before, came on the radio. "Thousand Years" I felt myself get up and slowly dance around the livingroom.. with my arms to my chest.. after I dropped to my knees, I held my arms and hands out.. and surrendered it all. I let myself feel all that I have been holding in. Let the grief come to the surface..and hurt. In a way that hurt is beautiful. The emotions of grief are beautiful. To have loved someone so much that it hurts so incredible terrible. is truly a gift. A gift that I would never give back. I'd go through it all over again to experience everything I did with Boyd. Boyd is special. When he was here he had a light around him that radiated. It radiated and touched others. The many hugs he gave.were more healing than he'd ever known.  I remember sitting in the hospital just waiting for him to get better.. praying.. calling on angels.. calling on family and friends to get him better. Telling him how special he was.. holding his hand. Begging him to keep holding on for all of us here. Telling him what he brought to my life and those all around him. The light that he was. The last days with him were the hardest days of my life... and I am so grateful I was there.  I promised him I would be there for him through everything and that I wouldn't leave him. I am so glad I was. I have tried to live my life to the fullest.. to let those I love know. To be an example of love and strength as he was. To be my true authentic self. To "Just Love". There are days like today where it feels unbearable and I feel completely overwhelmed with life and everything I have going on. That is where I know I get to find a quiet place, feel, and breathe.. and remember who I am.  I find incredible strength in every day.. and I have had some of the most beautiful days that I've ever experienced... days where I feel strength that is not my own.. I know God and Angels.. are carrying me through..  I know I am being carefully taken care of right now. I have had people come into my life that have become my best friends. I have had family and friends reach out and are there through it all.  He is near..  If I just stop.. Listen.... and breathe.. I feel it.

Life is Learning.. and Loving.. and is Beautiful!

Just letting it flow.

Haven't written here in a while.. Some days I don't feel I can put into words how I actually feel. The past two days I've felt very in tune... not to only myself but whats going on all around me. There are so many changes happening in my life ...and this weekend I finally took the time  to just BE. I was able to find quiet moments of peace. In these quiet moments I am able to recognize and know what I get to be doing.  There are so many distractions in my life right now that sometimes I forget to focus on ME.. and by that I get to be still and listen.

In these moments I've felt to look places and have found treasures from Boyd.. reminding me that I am doing a great job and that I am loved. His love continues to bless me even though he's not in this dimension. Reminding me what my purpose in this life is. I've been saying my creation statement quite a bit this past week... I AM a Beautiful, Compassionate, Loving, Courageous woman of Light. As a Beautiful, Compassionate, Loving, Courageous woman of Light my purpose is to bring peace, love, joy and Healing to others as I create a world of acceptance, integrity, and inspiration. Saying it has assisted me in coming back to that quiet, safe space of purpose. 

This reminds me what I am committed to creating in my life and to those around me, 

School has been really difficult this semester. It's been a challenge to fit all the work and studying in and to stay focused with everything else going on.. but then I remember why I wanted to become a nurse.. to serve, love, and assist in the healing of others, It is my calling in life.  I have such a strong passion to be able to help others on that level  that I get to refocus and somehow be strong and give it my excellence.  I get to show my girls what being a strong,loving, compassionate, courageous woman looks like. One who is successful despite the obstacles in life.. cause we all know we're going to have them.  I am so blessed with 3 beautiful daughters who bring me such pure joy. The innocence and pure genuineness inspires me.   I know I learn more from them than they probably do me. They are 3 powerful little girls who are so spiritually in tune. I love when I get to bring out the inner child in myself and feel that pure child like joy with them, I want to teach them to love themselves.. and how ot truly love others. 

I've also thought alot about living in the moment this week and in complete vulnerability.. There are many times when I want to close my heart up for anyone else to get in.. to care.. to love... to feel..  To seal it in fear that it will get broken again.. I was married to a man for almost 12 years whom decided he wanted a divorce. Although I now see it as one of the greatest blessings I could have had...and have become who I am truly meant to be.. it still has left me in fear at times in what will happen in the future. So much loss has been in my life these past 2 years.. but at the same time.. so much love. I now know that by him letting me go I was given the freedom to be ME.. and to be WHO I am.. and the learning from it all has been simply remarkable. I am grateful for him in letting me go.. So I could be me in my excellence. 

 Then to find someone whom was my soulmate. the love of my life. the one who loved me simply for me. Who was right there beside me through all the trials, the joy, and the journey. To have someone love me unconditionally and feeling that heart to heart, spirit to spirit connection only to be taken away so suddenly has been heartbreaking to say the least. Although from this experience.. and learning so much about myself and finding strength in places I never knew I had, living life, and loving unconditionally through it all.. at times it hurts like hell.  To be able to dig deep and knowing who I am.. and finding that pure joy has been such a blessing.  I have found this experience to be incredible growing opportunity. I have found  a part of me that I  never knew existed and I feel so blessed to have this outlook through this tragedy. I have felt angels  all around me like I have never felt before. I know Boyd is right here with me.. Telling me to Go For It!! To LIVE and to LOVE!  So... although I've had so much heartache..with these things and other difficult circumstances in the past 2 years, I know that it has all been for my perfect journey. and I am grateful I have been open to experiencing it all in my own unique way... Life is so beautiful. I look at it in such a different way than I ever have.I live in the moment . for I know now more than ever that each moment is a gift. I know that its okay to have alot of feelings and emotions.. and I get to embrace them all.. The despair, the loneliness, the heartache, the pure joy, the love, the saddness, the pain, the beauty, the darkness, the strength, the inspiration, the grace, the pure and beautiful LIGHT! And.. every single one of these emotions is TRULY so beautiful.. During this part of my journey I get to remain open and vulnerable..I get to receive love and to give love. My life and my love gets to continue on....  I am so incredibly grateful for each  moment I am here on this Earth to show love without hesitation.. To live life to the fullest, to stop living in fear.. and follow my heart. Love is a beautiful thing.. the thing that brings us all together. and as Boyd would say to "Just Love". I get to carry that legacy on for him and make him proud.  

I am not alone...

I have to get this down so I remember..  Today was emotional. I was able to talk to Boyd's brother for a while which is always nice. and brings Boyd closer. Then after I picked the kids up from school and saw Maggi and Porter in their moms car driving home. We miss them so much.It makes me so sad sometimes.. we didn't just lose Boyd. We lost our family.

 I worked on homework and studied for some up coming tests then made dinner. Throughout the day I felt myself getting more and more sad. Missing Boyd more and more. By the time I was supposed to take the girls to my moms I was really down. It hits really hard at random moments and hurts so much. I was thinking about everything I am having to take care of right  now. So many things that only I can do.  I feel like I am 5 people in one body. I know I will keep going.. and that I watched over. Just when I feel like all is lost I get reminders. Tonight on the way to my moms I heard our wedding song.. I cried the whole way there.  I sat and talked to my mom for about an hour and then left to go home. It was raining and I had the feeling to go to the track and run for a bit. On my way there our wedding song came on again.  Then as I was driving I looked up and noticed a sign that said FOREVER. That was something me and Boyd always said to one another. Forever.. Love you Forever. I know he was with me tonight. Helping me and saying you can keep going. After my run I was driving home and got a message from a friend of a little down syndrome girl singing our song. I just sat  and watched this amazing little girl fight against odds to sing this song.. our song. I know there are no accidents and that Boyd was with me tonight. As much as it hurts that he is gone and wish so much he was still here with us.. I'm grateful that I have an angel watching over me and when I forget and feel like he's not there and when I feel completely alone.. I get these reminders that he is. I know its important for me to write these moments down so I can remember on those days I feel like I can't go on.  Thank you for letting me share these moments and feelings with you. Lots of love. 

Reminders everywhere...

Today I did clinicals at the hospital again.. and so many things brought back memories of  our experience in Cleveland.. The major ones was giving blood to someone.. and the other was when we were finished with our day, our instructor led us into a conference room. I almost stopped and couldn't walk in. It was a huge reminder of being in the hospital with Boyd. Every time  a nurse or Dr. took us to the conference room you knew it was bad news. The last time I remember is when a team of Surgeons, neurologists, among other Dr.s came came in, with the look of dread and finally after silence, told me he was brain dead and they had declared him legally dead before coming into the room.  I remember just sitting there.. in shock. I couldn't move or say anything.  I finally said okay, looked into their eyes, got up, hugged Boyd's Surgeon, as tears streamed down my face.. finally walked out and fell to the floor sobbing.. The pain was so intense. We had been through a roller coaster and we were finally had hope.. He was physically getting better.. Why this after all we had been through?  I then went to Boyd and just held his hand.. rubbing it on my face, kissed his nose, his forehead. I sat there with him for the next 2 days as I waited for an organ donor. I sang to him, told him how much everyone loved him, and thanked him for everything he had done for me and my girls. I had some very powerful experiences those next two days.. with powerful emotions. I just kept saying.. I am going to miss his touch. I didn't want to let go of his hand. I didn't want to forget his smell, the creases along his eyes, the way he looked at me, the curves of his face, his hands, his feet. I miss my sweetheart. I feel like I am living it over and over in so many places. I keep asking myself why I am continuing nursing school. Everything we talk about relates to him and that experience in some way. Doing clinicals at the hospital is a huge reminder  and takes all the strength I have at times to go there and be there. Why am I putting myself through this extra pain? Do I need a break? How can I continue to do something that brings so much deep pain... but.. I know I get to continue.. and push through the absolute best I can. I have three beautiful daughters who need a strong, loving, and caring Mom. This will be one of the biggest teaching moments for my girls in their life. Hopefully right now I am teaching them that its okay to grieve, to feel sad, to cry, and to be angry.. but in the midst of all of it we keep going... and we do that by remembering our time with him and we do it in love.  Love is all I have right now.  I also know that this is my calling in life.. to serve others, assist them in healing,to be there for the families that are going through  it with them. It has been my dream for as long as I can remember. So... I will keep going... I will have myself a good cry... and another good cry...some times it will take everything I have to get myself off the floor and carry on.. but I will and then I will get up and keep studying. Keep being a mom. Keep being me.  I miss Boyd more than words can even describe.. the emptiness I feel is too much at times to bear. I can't put into words what I am feeling.. but I get to allow myself to feel it. Feel all of it. It sucks and feels like I'm drowning.. it hurts like hell. I loved that man, my handsome husband so much.