3 months today.. this rollercoaster called life..

I can't believe it's already been three months since Boyd has been gone. There are time when it feels like it was just yesterday I was in Cleveland.. Then other times it feels like years. The anniversaries are always tough.. Today I reflected on our short time together and had a rollercoaster of emotions.. from sad to happy... to being mad as hell.. to being grateful beyond measure. I found myself moping around the house.. thinking about how I was cheated out of a life of love and happiness. Everywhere I went today I saw couples holding hands smiling and laughing.. at times i wanted to cry.. others i wanted to yell and then other times I felt myself smiling at them .. grateful and truly happy that they were getting that experience.  I couldn't get out of my funk almost all day. After my mom came and got the girls I decided to go for a run at the track.  I put my head phones in and started running... running out all the emotions from the day. As I was reflecting on life I looked up and saw a cloud in the shape of a heart.. and then over the the right... thebeautiful sunset. The bright orange color was vibrant and magnificent. I thanked God for the beauty he gave and remembered how beautiful life is. How blessed I am to be alive.. and to be feeling all these feelings. The sad, mad, and hurt..and the joy, happiness, and peace. That life does go on.. and it will.. and it absolutely is.These feelings are all a part of the human experience.. and it is a beautiful one.  Today I was reading in a friends (Jeffery Olsen) book and he talks about a potter who would make these beautiful creations... only to when he was finished smash them on the ground into pieces, He would then meticulously reassemble the pieces back together and then fill the cracks with contrasting colors. People asked him why he did this and he explained that the process made each  pot unique.. it made them interesting and gave them character... How similar our life is. Maybe when we are shattered and then reassembled do we step into our magnificence. And into a beautiful masterpiece of God.. just like those pots. I have had so many trying experiences that have helped me to grow.. This experience has made me grow in ways I never knew I could. I am stronger.. more confident.. and love myself more than I ever have.  I know that Boyd would be proud of what I am creating and who I am becoming. There are times when I feel like I am going to break.. and sometimes when I finally have had enough and find myself on the kitchen floor completely heartbroken and tears flowing...but it is all completely beautiful.. Because you see.. to feel this much pain.. means I felt even that much more love. I would never give up the love I felt in the time me and Boyd were together. I now know what I deserve and that is a gift. If I stop and truly look at life.. I remember how blessed I am to have another day here. Another day to feel..

 I am blessed by amazing daughters.. wonderful parents and grandparents. and beautiful friends. Friends I've know forever and friends that have come into my life since Boyd passed.. they are all truly earth angels. I believe people come into our lives in the perfect moment. I am so grateful that a God and angels love me enough to put these people in my life at this perfect time,  Thank you to all of those who have been there for me and are still there for me. Who carry me during the times I feel I can't go on.  You never know by just being a friend .. and showing you care.. how much you could be blessing someones life. I am truly grateful. I know that gratitude is the key to happiness. As long as I remain grateful and continue with love.. everything will be okay. 

Boyd taught me so much about life. To live it to the fullest.. to love... to stop sweating the small stuff.. and to laugh.  All we have is the moment. Its our choice how we are going to live it.. I choose to have joy in this journey. To feel and embrace every rollercoaster of emotion. Without the sad we wouldn't know the joy. Love to you all. I am truly blessed for each of you in my life. Thank you. 

To Just Feel..

Wow... today has been one of the most difficult days so far. I have been so focused on being strong, that I forgot thats its okay to stop and feel the pain. Tonight I am allowing myself to be vulnerable.. to feel all that I get to feel.  I woke up this morning with a heaviness in my heart that has been here all day. I miss my Boyd.  As his birthday comes tomorrow I have thought about how lucky this world was to have him. His amazing genuine personality. His contagious smile and laugh. His love for life. His willingness to help others always. To lift others up while he was still down. He was a great teacher for me and I will always be grateful for that. Boyd met me at a time where I was healing from a lot of pain I had experienced the previous years. I had gone through some trainings and was on my way up and happy and then something terrible happen in my family again. He was there to pull me up.. carry me through some of the most heartbreaking, lonely, angry, and sad times of my life. He brought Light to my life again. Light that I forgot existed. The day I met him I knew he was special and that we were meant for each other. Our souls spoke.. they remembered each other. It was beautiful. It was the most amazing connection I have ever felt with anyone. His soul is beautiful.

Tonight I got home from hours of studying and finally just took a minute to sit... looked at some pictures of him and our family. Remembering how beautiful our time was together.. and being so incredibly grateful for it. He changed my whole life.. the way I look at things.. He helped me remember who I was.  I asked one of my best friends to write me a poem in remembrance .. it was heart wrenching.. and absolutely beautiful. ... 

Love unkept

In sheltered sighs Hold me down I undo the ties. Free myself from his bind. I abide by me Until its time. My quiet tears, My knees to ground. When he appears Forever love is found. Passions swarm I’m in the blue Full with his near, so full and through. Taken away It can’t be true Nothing else compares to you Lost again What do I do? My knees to ground, 

The ground that holds you…

He is near... I have felt him tonight.. the warmthness and Love.  As I thought of him something told me to turn the radio on.. The first song he ever sent to me, which I've mentioned before, came on the radio. "Thousand Years" I felt myself get up and slowly dance around the livingroom.. with my arms to my chest.. after I dropped to my knees, I held my arms and hands out.. and surrendered it all. I let myself feel all that I have been holding in. Let the grief come to the surface..and hurt. In a way that hurt is beautiful. The emotions of grief are beautiful. To have loved someone so much that it hurts so incredible terrible. is truly a gift. A gift that I would never give back. I'd go through it all over again to experience everything I did with Boyd. Boyd is special. When he was here he had a light around him that radiated. It radiated and touched others. The many hugs he gave.were more healing than he'd ever known.  I remember sitting in the hospital just waiting for him to get better.. praying.. calling on angels.. calling on family and friends to get him better. Telling him how special he was.. holding his hand. Begging him to keep holding on for all of us here. Telling him what he brought to my life and those all around him. The light that he was. The last days with him were the hardest days of my life... and I am so grateful I was there.  I promised him I would be there for him through everything and that I wouldn't leave him. I am so glad I was. I have tried to live my life to the fullest.. to let those I love know. To be an example of love and strength as he was. To be my true authentic self. To "Just Love". There are days like today where it feels unbearable and I feel completely overwhelmed with life and everything I have going on. That is where I know I get to find a quiet place, feel, and breathe.. and remember who I am.  I find incredible strength in every day.. and I have had some of the most beautiful days that I've ever experienced... days where I feel strength that is not my own.. I know God and Angels.. are carrying me through..  I know I am being carefully taken care of right now. I have had people come into my life that have become my best friends. I have had family and friends reach out and are there through it all.  He is near..  If I just stop.. Listen.... and breathe.. I feel it.