Throughout the day I kept feeling this overwhelming feeling of heaviness that just wouldn't go away. I have been having flashbacks of the hospital and the absolute soul wrenching pain of it all. I remember Boyd laying in the hospital bed fighting for his life as I just laid there singing to him... telling him how loved he was.. and how we needed him to stay so badly. Remembering the day we had some real hope. His physical body was healing.. very gradually but finally moving upwards. Then, having the nurse ask me to go to the conference room where I was told that he had no brain activity and they had declared him brain dead. I remember standing up..looking at the Dr. right in his eyes... tears in my eyes.. hugged him and then walked out into the hall where I finally collapsed. I spent the next couple days by his bed as he was on life support waiting for an organ donor .. holding his hand.. stroking his face..kissing his nose.. his cheeks, his eyes.. his fingers.. knowing I'd never touch him again. I'd never feel him put his hand on my face telling me he loved me. I'd never feel his warm, healing hugs again. I didn't want to let him go. The last time I said goodbye to him was at the OR doors as they were taking him to donate his organs. I knew when I saw him again he wouldn't be breathing... or have a heartbeat. He'd really be gone. I replayed that moment over and over.
Today, I also thought about the plane ride home from Cleveland. I was alone. Without my husband.. He was supposed to be sitting next to me. It was then.. during that time alone. I really realized was the start of my journey of being alone. On my layover i remember just sitting in the chair.. staring.., blank. Not believing what I had just experienced. Not believing that I was now a widow. I was without the love of my life.
The pain is so deep ... the words are not of this world. Everyone grieves differently... noone else can understand the pain someone is going through.. what they have lost. Noone will be able to bear my burden of my tribute to a love, to a life, to an identity now gone. but... what a blessing it is to feel so deeply. Something happened when me and Boyd's fate entwined.. we connected.. we had finally found eachother.. we had become one. And now.. he went somewhere that I cannot follow.. and a part of me went with him when he died.
The day of the funeral I watched as my deepest love, my most sacred relationship would go under the dirt without me.
I remember at the graveside that day I was so numb... still in so much disbelief .. yet all I wanted to do was claw at the earth between us.. part of me was there. It was with him.. It is with him.
Today... the only way I can describe how I felt was.... hollow. I felt like a chunk of myself was missing. I wonder some days how I get up.. get dressed... put my lipstick on.. and continue.. there are days like today that I hide under all that just so noone can see just how hollow I am at times. Noone can see what I a missing.
Yes.. people can see that I get lonely.. that I am sad.. heartbroken.. but it goes deeper than that. I feel as though I was left behind. The part of my life that I cherished.. that was just starting.. ended like reading a story and slamming the book shut at the best part.
After all this pain, sadness, and complete despair, this thing called grief ..has had a way of showing me just how deep my aliveness goes. Just how deep I love. I now hold on to hope.. every moment.. but some days its not the hope I want. Sometimes .. like today. it feels as though the sadness is all I have left.. so I begin to cherish the sadness too.. so I will never forget what happened, because this experience has shaped me in ways I never knew it could. When I start to think of who I have become.. a light starts to peek through.. I start seeing Boyd smiling at me, reminding me of my purpose, and giving me the strength to continue on. It seems there are gradually more good days then bad days. .. like the days I can go to the grocery store.. walk by the Kiefer.. smile.. shed a few tears.. bring it home and have a glass for Boyd and not let it completely destroy me.
Some days I'll ask myself what we could have done differently that would have changed things.. What if we would have went a different day? What if we would have went in January instead of going on my school break? What the outcome have been different? Why couldn't it have been me and not him? Then I know.. the truth is.. the factors that influence the course of our lives are much bigger than we know. When I blame myself for what happened I deny this greater experience called life.. and the bigger plan. When I do this.. I am just eating a hole in myself and it will just grow and grow because I can never answer these questions. Now.. I just get to trust. Trust that this all has a bigger purpose that I can't see. All I know right now..is that I want to spend the rest of my life in gratitude. In love. and in a way that I can honor Boyd's life. I want to be brave. I want to live in my magnificence.
So on days like today where I feel like I am drowning.. where it feels as though i'm not strong enough to go on.. I JUST DO. AND I get to feel it ALL.. all the deep black nitty gritty crap.. I get to feel the grief, the heart wrenching pain because it is all learning.. and I've done massive amounts of learning the past 4 months. I also know that I get to feel complete joy and love. I get to continue to live. I get to feel the warm sun on my face reminding me that I am alive. and that I have a purpose. Boyd would want me to live a beautiful., to do all the crazy things I do, to play like crazy with the kids... to meet new people... and love on those around me. I know he's right along side me.. guiding me, encouraging me each step of the way. I am so grateful for my life.. For the opportunity to experience all that I am. For my beautiful girls, for my family, and for my old and my new friends. Love to you all.
