I am not alone...

I have to get this down so I remember..  Today was emotional. I was able to talk to Boyd's brother for a while which is always nice. and brings Boyd closer. Then after I picked the kids up from school and saw Maggi and Porter in their moms car driving home. We miss them so much.It makes me so sad sometimes.. we didn't just lose Boyd. We lost our family.

 I worked on homework and studied for some up coming tests then made dinner. Throughout the day I felt myself getting more and more sad. Missing Boyd more and more. By the time I was supposed to take the girls to my moms I was really down. It hits really hard at random moments and hurts so much. I was thinking about everything I am having to take care of right  now. So many things that only I can do.  I feel like I am 5 people in one body. I know I will keep going.. and that I watched over. Just when I feel like all is lost I get reminders. Tonight on the way to my moms I heard our wedding song.. I cried the whole way there.  I sat and talked to my mom for about an hour and then left to go home. It was raining and I had the feeling to go to the track and run for a bit. On my way there our wedding song came on again.  Then as I was driving I looked up and noticed a sign that said FOREVER. That was something me and Boyd always said to one another. Forever.. Love you Forever. I know he was with me tonight. Helping me and saying you can keep going. After my run I was driving home and got a message from a friend of a little down syndrome girl singing our song. I just sat  and watched this amazing little girl fight against odds to sing this song.. our song. I know there are no accidents and that Boyd was with me tonight. As much as it hurts that he is gone and wish so much he was still here with us.. I'm grateful that I have an angel watching over me and when I forget and feel like he's not there and when I feel completely alone.. I get these reminders that he is. I know its important for me to write these moments down so I can remember on those days I feel like I can't go on.  Thank you for letting me share these moments and feelings with you. Lots of love. 

Reminders everywhere...

Today I did clinicals at the hospital again.. and so many things brought back memories of  our experience in Cleveland.. The major ones was giving blood to someone.. and the other was when we were finished with our day, our instructor led us into a conference room. I almost stopped and couldn't walk in. It was a huge reminder of being in the hospital with Boyd. Every time  a nurse or Dr. took us to the conference room you knew it was bad news. The last time I remember is when a team of Surgeons, neurologists, among other Dr.s came came in, with the look of dread and finally after silence, told me he was brain dead and they had declared him legally dead before coming into the room.  I remember just sitting there.. in shock. I couldn't move or say anything.  I finally said okay, looked into their eyes, got up, hugged Boyd's Surgeon, as tears streamed down my face.. finally walked out and fell to the floor sobbing.. The pain was so intense. We had been through a roller coaster and we were finally had hope.. He was physically getting better.. Why this after all we had been through?  I then went to Boyd and just held his hand.. rubbing it on my face, kissed his nose, his forehead. I sat there with him for the next 2 days as I waited for an organ donor. I sang to him, told him how much everyone loved him, and thanked him for everything he had done for me and my girls. I had some very powerful experiences those next two days.. with powerful emotions. I just kept saying.. I am going to miss his touch. I didn't want to let go of his hand. I didn't want to forget his smell, the creases along his eyes, the way he looked at me, the curves of his face, his hands, his feet. I miss my sweetheart. I feel like I am living it over and over in so many places. I keep asking myself why I am continuing nursing school. Everything we talk about relates to him and that experience in some way. Doing clinicals at the hospital is a huge reminder  and takes all the strength I have at times to go there and be there. Why am I putting myself through this extra pain? Do I need a break? How can I continue to do something that brings so much deep pain... but.. I know I get to continue.. and push through the absolute best I can. I have three beautiful daughters who need a strong, loving, and caring Mom. This will be one of the biggest teaching moments for my girls in their life. Hopefully right now I am teaching them that its okay to grieve, to feel sad, to cry, and to be angry.. but in the midst of all of it we keep going... and we do that by remembering our time with him and we do it in love.  Love is all I have right now.  I also know that this is my calling in life.. to serve others, assist them in healing,to be there for the families that are going through  it with them. It has been my dream for as long as I can remember. So... I will keep going... I will have myself a good cry... and another good cry...some times it will take everything I have to get myself off the floor and carry on.. but I will and then I will get up and keep studying. Keep being a mom. Keep being me.  I miss Boyd more than words can even describe.. the emptiness I feel is too much at times to bear. I can't put into words what I am feeling.. but I get to allow myself to feel it. Feel all of it. It sucks and feels like I'm drowning.. it hurts like hell. I loved that man, my handsome husband so much.

Finding Joy in the Journey

A roller coaster of emotions.. that is my life right now. ..Every moment is different... Some moments I want to be numb and push it all away, other moments I keep busy to pass the time until I finally get to a place that Boyd is gone becomes more familiar, other moments I live as though its my last day here, there are moments that I lay on my bed, cry my heart out  or on the floor in a fetal position until there are no more tears.. or finally fall asleep from exhaustion, There are many times when something will remind me of Boyd and a wave of emotion.. complete darkness and sadness comes and my body feels weak and I have to sit. There are some moments I am angry..I am angry at Boyd for leaving,.. leaving me to handle everything I have to right now, for leaving me when we had an entire lifetime to live the dreams we had.. the life we planned together.  There are times that I feel guilty... Guilty that I made him go to the Doctor... that we got surgery during my school break... and maybe we could have had one more month if we went in January .. or that maybe if his surgery was on another day there would have been a different outcome. Somewhere on this rollercoaster.. in this journey I get to choose Joy. There are moments when the sun breaks through and I can feel the warmth and Joy again in my heart. I know I get to embrace all the other emotions and feelings.. but in the end.. I want to choose Joy.. Pure Joy. The Joy I get when I look at my daughters and know they are my angels here on earth. Joy when I remember the love me and Boyd have and moments we shared together. Finding Joy in the journey called life is something I am working on. My past 2 years have been a plethora of what I like to call experiences. As I look back on my life though I see where I have gained strength, where I have learned to love more and more, where experiences have taught me that everyone is on their own personal journey and I have no place to judge. My life has been full of plenty of challenges.. and all though I never want to experience those again... I can see where each person in those experiences taught me something... even through all the heartache ... I am grateful for those lessons.
Life right now sucks. I miss Boyd more than I could ever have imagined.. I miss everything about him.. the creases around his eyes from working in the sun so much.. his warm hugs.. his laugh.. smile.. the way he could light up a room.  So many things about him.
Everytime I write about him I feel him saying to me to live life.. To Love Life. Before we went to surgery we talked deeply about alot of things and he told me,  "I Love Life".. and he did and he lived it to the fullest.  I am so grateful he did.. Just in the time we were together, we packed years of experiences in months. That is something I get to hold on to and where I find Joy in this journey.
I am overcome with gratefulness that I was able to be married to such a loving, kind, caring, open, and genuinely good man who loved everyone he came across. So grateful to find the love of my life and know what that really feels like. Some moments I don't know how I am going to do this... to keep living life without him but I know I have three little girls who deserve a happy mom who is full of life. We get to keep living ours with Boyd forever in our hearts. We get to find Joy in this journey.