Reminders everywhere...

Today I did clinicals at the hospital again.. and so many things brought back memories of  our experience in Cleveland.. The major ones was giving blood to someone.. and the other was when we were finished with our day, our instructor led us into a conference room. I almost stopped and couldn't walk in. It was a huge reminder of being in the hospital with Boyd. Every time  a nurse or Dr. took us to the conference room you knew it was bad news. The last time I remember is when a team of Surgeons, neurologists, among other Dr.s came came in, with the look of dread and finally after silence, told me he was brain dead and they had declared him legally dead before coming into the room.  I remember just sitting there.. in shock. I couldn't move or say anything.  I finally said okay, looked into their eyes, got up, hugged Boyd's Surgeon, as tears streamed down my face.. finally walked out and fell to the floor sobbing.. The pain was so intense. We had been through a roller coaster and we were finally had hope.. He was physically getting better.. Why this after all we had been through?  I then went to Boyd and just held his hand.. rubbing it on my face, kissed his nose, his forehead. I sat there with him for the next 2 days as I waited for an organ donor. I sang to him, told him how much everyone loved him, and thanked him for everything he had done for me and my girls. I had some very powerful experiences those next two days.. with powerful emotions. I just kept saying.. I am going to miss his touch. I didn't want to let go of his hand. I didn't want to forget his smell, the creases along his eyes, the way he looked at me, the curves of his face, his hands, his feet. I miss my sweetheart. I feel like I am living it over and over in so many places. I keep asking myself why I am continuing nursing school. Everything we talk about relates to him and that experience in some way. Doing clinicals at the hospital is a huge reminder  and takes all the strength I have at times to go there and be there. Why am I putting myself through this extra pain? Do I need a break? How can I continue to do something that brings so much deep pain... but.. I know I get to continue.. and push through the absolute best I can. I have three beautiful daughters who need a strong, loving, and caring Mom. This will be one of the biggest teaching moments for my girls in their life. Hopefully right now I am teaching them that its okay to grieve, to feel sad, to cry, and to be angry.. but in the midst of all of it we keep going... and we do that by remembering our time with him and we do it in love.  Love is all I have right now.  I also know that this is my calling in life.. to serve others, assist them in healing,to be there for the families that are going through  it with them. It has been my dream for as long as I can remember. So... I will keep going... I will have myself a good cry... and another good cry...some times it will take everything I have to get myself off the floor and carry on.. but I will and then I will get up and keep studying. Keep being a mom. Keep being me.  I miss Boyd more than words can even describe.. the emptiness I feel is too much at times to bear. I can't put into words what I am feeling.. but I get to allow myself to feel it. Feel all of it. It sucks and feels like I'm drowning.. it hurts like hell. I loved that man, my handsome husband so much.