A roller coaster of emotions.. that is my life right now. ..Every moment is different... Some moments I want to be numb and push it all away, other moments I keep busy to pass the time until I finally get to a place that Boyd is gone becomes more familiar, other moments I live as though its my last day here, there are moments that I lay on my bed, cry my heart out or on the floor in a fetal position until there are no more tears.. or finally fall asleep from exhaustion, There are many times when something will remind me of Boyd and a wave of emotion.. complete darkness and sadness comes and my body feels weak and I have to sit. There are some moments I am angry..I am angry at Boyd for leaving,.. leaving me to handle everything I have to right now, for leaving me when we had an entire lifetime to live the dreams we had.. the life we planned together. There are times that I feel guilty... Guilty that I made him go to the Doctor... that we got surgery during my school break... and maybe we could have had one more month if we went in January .. or that maybe if his surgery was on another day there would have been a different outcome. Somewhere on this rollercoaster.. in this journey I get to choose Joy. There are moments when the sun breaks through and I can feel the warmth and Joy again in my heart. I know I get to embrace all the other emotions and feelings.. but in the end.. I want to choose Joy.. Pure Joy. The Joy I get when I look at my daughters and know they are my angels here on earth. Joy when I remember the love me and Boyd have and moments we shared together. Finding Joy in the journey called life is something I am working on. My past 2 years have been a plethora of what I like to call experiences. As I look back on my life though I see where I have gained strength, where I have learned to love more and more, where experiences have taught me that everyone is on their own personal journey and I have no place to judge. My life has been full of plenty of challenges.. and all though I never want to experience those again... I can see where each person in those experiences taught me something... even through all the heartache ... I am grateful for those lessons.
Life right now sucks. I miss Boyd more than I could ever have imagined.. I miss everything about him.. the creases around his eyes from working in the sun so much.. his warm hugs.. his laugh.. smile.. the way he could light up a room. So many things about him.
Everytime I write about him I feel him saying to me to live life.. To Love Life. Before we went to surgery we talked deeply about alot of things and he told me, "I Love Life".. and he did and he lived it to the fullest. I am so grateful he did.. Just in the time we were together, we packed years of experiences in months. That is something I get to hold on to and where I find Joy in this journey.
I am overcome with gratefulness that I was able to be married to such a loving, kind, caring, open, and genuinely good man who loved everyone he came across. So grateful to find the love of my life and know what that really feels like. Some moments I don't know how I am going to do this... to keep living life without him but I know I have three little girls who deserve a happy mom who is full of life. We get to keep living ours with Boyd forever in our hearts. We get to find Joy in this journey.
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